Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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