I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
