you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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