I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
