he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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