i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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