someone threw a dead crab at me
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
