Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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