New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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