There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
