Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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