My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
