I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
