Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
