my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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