I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
