I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Well I just put wine in my tea
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
