And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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