i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
