I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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