Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
In other news, I just burned my penis
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
