i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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