the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm like, not good at living.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
