do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
