my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I think my moral compass just broke
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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