hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
