Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
