There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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