I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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