this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
