my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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