Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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