So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
