I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
