i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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