I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
