Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
