i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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