Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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