So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
