I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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