Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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