i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
