there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
