i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
