Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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