I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Someone came in the potted fern
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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