Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
