I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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