If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
