woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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