I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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