How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
